septembrie 03, 2016

copacul

pentru ca acu' o ard frecvent pe psiho, neuro si alte d'astea, mi-am amintit de-un moment din generala. 
cred ca aveam vreo 12-13 ani; poate cel mult 14 desi ma indoiesc ca aveam deja buletin.
cochetam cu desenu' si Pupaza din Tei. Nu aia a lu' Creanga. Ziarul. Scris in totalitate de copii.
Ajunsesem si eu printre redactori; Aveam o tanti psiholog cu noi la intalnirile saptamanale; Chestie care era misto.
Facem tot felul de joculete de incredere si mima; 
La un moment dat, pe la inceput, cand nu se stabilise inca statutul meu in cadrul "Pupezei", trecusem
impreuna cu ceilalti, prin "testul copacului"; ala pe care doar anumiti angajatori, oameni de la resurse umane,
psihologi uitati in timp etc il mai practica azi; Nenorocirea aia de test unde trebuie sa desenezi un copac,
si ale carui rezultate sunt viabile doar daca persoana in cauza a trait efectiv in pestera fara contact uman si acces la internet.
Orele de desen de la scoala erau mai mult formalitati. Dar trebuia sa desenem toti. Mai bine sau mai rau; important era sa desenam.
uneori aveam cate o imagine din manual, alteori profu' facea cate un model pe tabla ori ne aducea/ aranja ceva natura moarta.
La un moment dat, ne-a dat niste exemple de copaci, si-a desenat pe tabla.
Mi-au placut atat de mult cum aratau copacii aia incat am furat cu totul tiparul ala. Asa au aratat toti copacii mei vreme de cativa ani. 
La Pupaza, pe vremea cand nu stiam care e treaba cu copacu, da' invatasem deja patternu', tanti psiholog ne-a pus sa desenan intr-o zi,
pe-o coala A4. Acuma, chestia e ca io' am luat-o ca un task artistic. Si am avut mari procese de constiinta, intre a desena cum stiam, sau a
replica modelul profului. Mi s-a parut mai artistic copacu' profului, parca se incadra mai bine in pagina; Drept pentru care am purces a scrijelii
hartia.
Parte proasta dupa aia, e ca tanti psiholog s-a facut alba la fata, si usor spasita si timida a inceput sa-mi explice ce insemnau
toate hasurile alea puternice, si lipsa radacinilor din desen, si scorbura aia in relief, si coroana, si ramurile... iar eu nu stiam daca sa-i zic ca ala nu-i copacu' meu sau nu; Si ca n-am avut decat ratiuni estetice in alegerea modelului. Interpretarea ei o fi fost corecta, da' personaju' era gresit.

iunie 09, 2016

ipocrizia asta

Citesc cu mare tristete felurite articole despre situatia actuala din Bucuresti, despre alegeri, despre sistemul sanitar, despre coruptie si asa mai departe. Ajung printre altele la urmatoarea afirmatie: "Ei au televiziunile și păpușelele din studiouri, noi avem doar strada. Doar că strada nu poate fi confiscată.
Este singurul instrument democratic pe care îl avem la îndemână ca și cetățeni ai acestei țări."
...io' cred ca noi ca natie, am inteles totul pe dos daca "strada" e SINGURUL instrument democratic; Taman ce-am avut unul. Au fost alegeri. Unde NU ne-am prezentat. Sa nu ne mai dam cu curu' de pamant. Am stat acasa, la terasa, la bere, la concert pentru ca...desigur "nu merita", "nu schimbam nimic";
Nu putem sa iesim sa ne batem cu pumnii in piept pe strada daca nu suntem in stare sa facem un gest pur democratic, ala de a vota. Lehamitea nu e un raspuns. 
Cred ca mai bine tacem. Macar atat.

iunie 08, 2016

I'll answer Rox, part 2

  • What would you choose: to lose all of your past memories, or never have any new ones?I'm all for cleaning processes. I prefer to lose the old ones but to know I can make new memories.
  • Can you ever learn the truth if you don’t fight for it?Yes. Sometimes it just comes. In fact, I think you should fight and force it. 
  • Has your biggest fear ever come true?Not yet. And I'm extremely grateful for that. 
  • Do you remember how unhappy you were five years ago? Does it really have any significance now?I do. And it's a dark time that influenced me a lot, and took a lot of time to get over it. Now it only has a slight regret and sadness perfume, like a scar I'l; wear for the rest of my life. 
  • What’s your happiest memory from childhood? Why is it the happiest?I have so many; The smell of winter and the first snow flakes. The frozen windows. The smell of oranges during Christmas. My grandmothers house. The smell of her kitchen. I think the most dearest is the winter ritual that came with the first snow; my mom used to wake me up, and whisper: "it snows", her face was covered in smiles, and the room was white and bright from the snow, and I used to jump from the bed, open the windows and take the biggest lump of snow, roll int into a ball and through it at my father, while somehow, he was always in the kitchen cooking something that morning; the cold hands, and snow dripping, and the smell of the kitchen and my parents smiles; And then me running outside to play with the sleigh. Why? it was pure joy. 
  • Which past events or experiences made you feel alive?Love. 
  • If not now, when?Someday... 
  • If you still haven’t achieved something, then what have you got to lose?Energy; willpower. 
  • Have you ever felt you had a real moment of connection with someone even though neither of you said a word?Yes. But maybe it was only in my head. :)))
  • Is it ever possible to know with complete certainty what is good, and what is bad?I think I have a strong moral compass. And it usually directs me. 
  • If you were given a million dollars, would you quit your job?Not even for more money. 
  • What do you want more: a lot of work which you need to do, or a small amount which you like doing?A lot is also good. Keeps my mind busy; 
  • Do you have the feeling that you’ve already lived through today hundreds of times before?Not really.
  • When was the last time you took action without a clear plan in your head, but with belief in your heart that it could be done? A few hours ago. 
  • If everyone you know died tomorrow, who would you visit one last time?I probably would't visit anyone. If the question is related to their graves. 
  • Would you exchange ten years of your life for worldwide fame? No.
  • What’s the difference between life and existence? We all exist. Either by design or coincidence. But we don't actually always live. 
  • When will that moment come when you take the risk and do what you think is right?Soon. I'm draining my batteries now. 
  • If we learn from our mistakes, why are we afraid of making them? Who said that? I'm doing mistakes everyday. But probably it's also some sort of fear for lost time that you can never have back when it comes to mistakes. 
  • What would you be able to do differently if you knew that no one would judge you?Nothing.
  • When was the last time you heard your own heartbeat?I think yesterday. 
  • What is it that you love? Did your most recent actions express this love? I love moments when everything synchronises. When everything feels like it should be. 
  • Will you be able to distinguish between what you did yesterday and what you’ve been doing every day for the past five years? What about the day before that? Yesterday to the day before are very similar, yesterday to 5 years ago is oceans away. Good and bad. 
  • Do you take decisions yourself, or does someone take them for you? A bit of both. I sometimes chose to let outside decisions that involve me happen. But, as a paradox, that is my decision. 
  • What’s the most important promise you’ve ever made to yourself? That it will all be ok, and I'l regain my trust, and love of life, and innocence.

mai 31, 2016

Ok Rox, I'm in. /part 01




I find myself in Kuweit, smoking on a couch, in the middle of my life, on a road I have no idea where It will lead; maybe I am a bit nostalgic about myself, maybe because I'm all alone and the light is dim while my eyes still hurt but I need to make it with my 8'o clock client meeting, so yeah Rox, I'll take you on the writing challenge; here it goes:



1. How old would you think you are if you didn’t know your own age?Knowing me in my worst, in my fears, I would easily pass like a 16 year old frightful teen;
Knowing me in my best, I would add a couple of years to my real age;


2. What is worse: experiencing failure, or never taking on the challenge?Tricky. But not true; It's not like each decision has to be in one of the groups; Either something that will lead to failure, or something that poses as a challenge. These are not even opposites of the same coin; Failure is a challenge also. I challenges you to pick yourself up after complete and utterly fuck up. Failure is vital; Even if you fail at failure, that is a challenge: you are either constantly good, or you learn to manage with no life support sister for emergencies situations acknowledged, and that is way hard.

3. If life is so short, why do we spend so much time doing things we don’t like, and at the same time doing so little of what we love? Fear, inertia, society patterns we take for granted.

4. If the work is over and all is said and done, what did you spend more time doing — work, or talk?Work. And hope. And then work again.

5.If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
6. If happiness were money, what kind of work would make you rich? Teaching.
7. Are you doing something you believe in, or are just trying to believe in what you do?
A bit of both right now; I have no clue if this is the right thing, but I know what I can be in this field. So I'm fighting and working my ass off and choosing to believe.

8. If you knew you would only live to 40, what would you change in order to live your life as best you could?
Nothing. I accepted my death when I was 19.

9. To what extent are you in control of what is happening in your life?
To the extend of me letting things happened to see my reactions and my limits, even if the wrong things happen; There is a buckowhskyan feeling in failure and dirt I truly embrace and let it happen from time to time;

10. What is more important to you: doing things properly, or doing the right thing?
Isn't this the same thing?

11.You’re having lunch with three people whom you respect and value. They start criticising one of your close friends without knowing that he or she is close to you. Their criticism is unjust and offensive. What would you do?
Tell them they are morons.
12. If you could give a small child just one piece of advice about life, what would it be?
No one owns you anything. Just do your shit. And grow balls;
13. Would you break the law to save someone you loved?
I need a specific situation to answer this.
14. Have you ever believed someone was mad before instead deciding that they were actually a genius?
Never.
15. What do you do in life which sets you apart from other people?
I'm blunt .

16. Why is it that what makes you happy doesn’t make anyone else happy?
Why should this be an option? I know we have some general qualities, and stages, and crisis we all get to experience, but that would make everyone the same; And without conflict and contradiction this world would be so sad and fake.

17.What have you ever really wanted to do which you’ve never done? What stops you from doing it?
Probably I should have taken the time to get to know better some people. To actually get to the core; There was always something shallow even in the deepest aspects of my human-to-human relations. What stopped me? The wrongful idea that I was better and I posses a higher understanding.

18. Are you holding on to something you should have long ago let go of? Not really; I do think about some events, or people, but that is scarce, and I pretty much moved on with all the big issues. This doesn't mean It didn't took a long time to do so.
19. If someone offered you the chance to move forever to another question, where would you go, and why?
I don't understand this question.
20. Do you press the button in the lift more than once? Do you really think it speeds things up? No.
21. What would you prefer to be: a troubled genius or a happy fool? Definitely the troubled genius.
22. Why are you, you? I'll chose to answer like the question is: "Are you, you? " :) To the best of my extend. But there are plenty of things I don't let people see or know; Though I crave for that blunt, out in the open, open chested feeling...

23. If you could become friends with yourself, would you want to have such a person as a friend? yeah. Because I know what I'm capable of when It comes to people I have faith in. And If you are my friend, then from some point of view, I have faith in you and will always have your back.

24. What’s worse: seeing your best friend move to a different country, or living close to each other but drifting apart? You know what? None. I've experienced this with the same person, that was my closest friend for a number of years. You move on. And the easiness that comes after that when you understand the phases and the draining of a relationship is surprising.

25. What are you most grateful for? Mistakes.







The way oldness looks; The incapacitating feeling that comes with being old.

august 16, 2015

neputinta asta e incolcacita dinauntru;
mi-e carnea amortita-n nemiscare.
as vrea sa zac pana s-ar scurge tot timpul si ne-am naste din nou

cu pietre in mana fugarind animale si inventand focul. 

iulie 28, 2014

înțelege
că lovitura e doar
neputința de-mi găsi cuvintele
când te reduc la forma
unui sac de box gata să-mi înghită frustrarea

mai 12, 2014





lumea bate campii
si balena din capul meu, astept sa ma inghita
pestele- sa zac in burta lui,
si sa-i consum incet incet tot oxigenul
ca o stea in continua expansiune,
in timp ce acidul sau gastric ma ispraveste de vie;
macar e liniste aici.